TIME Discussion

[Twilightpersona]

OK this is for you all to tell me how terrible of a job I am doing or not. Don't hold back I would prefer you to be honest and not just keep it to yourselves and secretly hate me or something. If you don't like something let me know I'll try to do better and fix it. I'm not going to waste my time and yours by making stupid excuses.

[Parone92]

It's a good story man, i can get into reading it. The only thing that needs improvement is the character development.

[Twilightpersona]

Yeah I understand.... maybe I'll try to find a way to advance the story with less character dialogue.

[Parone92]

No, the character dialogue was good in my opinion, but you could add more character description.

(Example: what does Igor and Albel look like in the story?)

[Twilightpersona]

Well I could add it in their later in some way. Actually that gives me an idea.....

[BlackRain]

I prefer to do the descriptions on the fly, honestly. Describe the characters bit by bit in the middle of scenes and the like, instead of taking time out of the story telling to describe these people.

[Twilightpersona]

I believe I understand what you mean rain. For example you would prefer something like this right?:

In the midst of the firefight Persona's dark brown hair was waving dramatically due to the harsh winds at the battlefield.

[BlackRain]

Ehhhh... Basic theory, yes. What I do is more like... Let's see if I can't whip something up, for dialogue, on this first one...

There were three sharp, strong raps on William's door as he walked towards it, heading to look outside and see what was going on. Swinging it open, he was met by two men in black armor, one with a crimson cloak about his shoulders, and the other with a similar, but black vestiment.

He ran his eyes over them a few times before speaking,"Who are you guys?"

The man with the short, brown hair and the crimson cloak gave a mild bow, gesturing to himself first,"My name is Igor Korzun... And this," he began, gesturing towards the black haired man this time, who inclined his head lightly with the gesture,"Is Albel Norax."

Will paused, slightly surprised at the odd names, and the paler one's silent demeanor. He couldn't even tell if the man was breathing or not. "So... What's going on?" As he spoke, he found he was mildly nervous, and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, which he quickly put a stop to, standing straight and sticking his hands in his pockets to avoid fidgeting more.

Igor gave a small, slight smirk, tinged with madness and insanity just before he opened his mouth. "That's what we need your help to find out."

The distance between the mans eyebrows closed somewhat in confusion, almost immediately. "What the Hell are you talking about? How can I help you?"

"There's no time to explain right now. You need to come with us."

"Fine. Just let be get a few things first."

"Please hurry. This is urgent," Igor pleaded.

"Alright," Will muttered as he turned to jog back inside, packing a few of his things.

After the young man was out of both line of sight, and earshot, Albel finally spoke, in a soft, but strong, and icy voice. "Igor... Are you sure he is the one you spoke of?"

The Russian man gave a strong nod, continuing the affirmation in speech. "He must be. Did you notice the flash of crimson in his eyes when he saw us?"

"Aye, I did. Still... That's not very special. I can do that at will. So tell me, how is this significant to our investigation?"

"You don't have to believe me, but who else living around here walked outside ready to empty a clip into someone?"

"I see your point. Still, he becomes a liability, I'll cut him down without a thought." As he was finishing the sentence, he moved his cloak back slightly on his left side, resting that hand on the hilt of a black katana, and revealing another hidden beneath the cloth as emphasis for his statement.

"I would expect nothing less from you, Brother."

Just as they finished the conversation, and the colder of the two let his cloak fall back down over his weapons, their quarry exited the building with a dufflebag full of what seemed to be canned goods and weapons.

"Alright, I'm ready to go."

Albel chuckled lightly. "He's not completely hopeless. Food and weapons."

William raised an eyebrow at the man. "Thanks. You said you needed my help, so this should be a good start."

"Do you have any .45 ACP rounds?" Igor raised his blackened, engraved handgun, intending to show he was out.

The younger one thought for a moment, before giving a hesitant nod, and set the bag down to rumage through it for a moment before pulling out a box of fifty rounds for the crimson-cloaked soldier.

"How about you, Albel? Need any ammunition?"

His arm blurred slightly, and he drew one of his handguns, a Cz75, black, with 'Ruin' etched in scrawling, silver script down the barrel, ejecting the clip, catching it with the other hand, and showing that he still had a full clip, before popping it back in and holstering the powerful weapon.

He looked up at Igor, who seemed to be reloading his clips, with a quickness that came only with years of practice. "He doesn't speak much, does he?"

"Only when it's important. Now, let us go. We must hurry."

[Twilightpersona]

Wow that is a hell of a lot better....

I suppose I will rethink what I have been doing and practice on improving my story skills over the weekend.

you may expect some new additions to the story by Tuesday.

[CrazyHobo]

Darkfighter has a writing tutorial posted on DF about writing.

[BlackRain]

x3 Thanks, mate. I haven't written in ages, and I did that in thirty minutes.

Anyway, write more like it's a novel, rather than a dialogue chronicling. Makes for a much more descriptive, entertaining read.

If you want, until you get the hang of it, I can convert your basic dialogues into something like that, provided I'm one step ahead of everyone else in terms of story. It's easier to put proper literary elements in there in that case.

Also, since I'm here, I seem to have developed a liking for story telling, despite my ignorance to the art, so if anyone could come up with a story line for me to write with, I'd appreciate it greatly.

[Twilightpersona]

I'll think about that but first I'm going to add a page and you can tell me if it's any better.

[BlackRain]

DO IT. DO IT NOW, YOU ****.

[Twilightpersona]

I'm working on it now it will be awhile though.

[Twilightpersona]

My apologies for the double post but the next part of the story is up. I believe it goes along the lines of what Rain wanted to see.